Snow and Selfish People

Mother Nature is melting down. It was some snow… alright. Never had it nauseated me like this before. Last month I was exposed to 18 inches of show for more than a week and I still loved it in DC. But snow in Texas is something. People were enjoying snow and I was really torturing myself. I could have gotten out of this but I am not that brave. This stupid genuineness in my heart has all proven to be too much torture for myself lately. I don’t know when to say no and people don’t know when to stop asking. There is not even a single reasonable soul I have seen lately. Beauty in their souls has been lost. Only the remains of old, trashy, useless stupid and selfish feelings has been in people’s mind. Even a dove in an ugly crowd of crows would look weird. So is happening to me.

People care about themselves. Who cares about others? No one! And each of these people keep sympathizing themselves: I have friends… I have boyfriends...I have girl friends… the hot girl next door smiled at me today…the gas station clerk told to me- “have a nice day”… tomorrow is valentine’s day… may be I will met someone nice in the party… may be God is watching over me…etc. At the end of the day, people will acknowledge that they were punked. But it will be too late. Like the snow, it will be too much. When there is too much of anything, it becomes valueless. Actually it negatively affects our lives. It becomes ugly. Even the purest water will be toxic to us if it’s too much.

Snow was too much yesterday. I spent the whole day in my favorite corner of my room, writing and revising. Yet, there were so many objections. There were so many interventions. They keep disturbing me for stupid reasons. People care about their business; they don’t want to know my problems. The journey is long and the roads are slippery but I cannot stop. Yeah! Literally and metaphorically. My car was skidding and sliding and I had couple close calls on the first day. But it was not my time to rubble yet. Time will ripe, and snow will completely melt, and sunshine will be obvious but I doubt people will become more conscious about their selfishness.

Don't Be A Pussy

A typical Monday today… I wake up at 1pm with no regrets. There was a list of tasks that I had been postponing for a week. But this morning I thought of not forcing anything. Nothing is going to change in a day like this. My drunkard friends would love this challenging day. Time and again, this kind of weather challenges them to drink like crazy. Intact any weather can challenge them. Poor venerable guys!

The night was a torture today. I was waking up until 5 am in the morning reading- “All and Everything”. It is not a good book for Christians or any spiritual people. The book is crazy; it is so beautifully written that even the God’s condemnations sounds logical. It has some spiritual insights but very misleading conclusions. Not a good book to spend a night with. This book can create some horror in our mind just similar to a horror night after a zombie movie.

I loved this weekend. It was not so productive but I don’t believe in productivity. I believe in beauty. It was beautiful. It gives such a joy to be around some intelligent people, or say normal people. These days I see 3 out of 4 people are weirdos. People are so lost in the world that they don’t even know they exist. I am always talking about existence and my fellow girls are talking about spirituality, it was healthy discussion all Sunday. Wow! it was like the churning of a milky sea. The story of churning of the ocean in Hindu scripture is so funny but it is beautiful. That is why I like it. Every time I think of it, it gives me that inner ecstasy that I can only express from a huge smile. And smiling alone makes me one of those weirdos.

The best thing about these wise, spiritual people is: they are aware of what is happening around. They are all aware of their anger, pride, foolishness and exaggeration. That is why they are not foolish. Therefore they hardly mistake. To debate in such environment is a privilege. In church, this Sunday one Indian brother was taking about vegetarian food, it was not a debate. He was simply explaining how people create groups of vegetarians and non- vegetarians and how they act with each other. Every groups, clubs, political gatherings are basically dividing people than uniting them. I think eating has nothing to do with religion at all. It is all man-made. I hate groups, political or diplomatic or of any sort. My inner God tells me every second: Be in a group but live differently, just enjoying your aloneness and don’t mistake aloneness with loneliness, like Gibran says “fill each other’s cup but don’t drink from the same cup”.

There is no holiness in being vegetarian, and similarly there is no sin in eating meat. It is just the athletics value of our self. Our emotional attachments to the animals play the important role here. Our emotional relationship with the animals is brought up with the cultural and religious brain washing from our parents and society. In Nepal people are attached to cows, and not to goats and chicken. In America people are attached more to dogs and cats than cows. And of course, the Korean will start salivating just by the thoughts of American dogs. So it is fair. How we train our soul is important. We have to change the training if we think something is not working out.

Talking about dogs and cats, I feel sorry for many westerners. Cats and dogs have started being their best friends. Now husbands and wives are replaced by dogs and cats. They cannot tolerate relationship with their own people. They turn their hopes to a pussy cat. Now this poor pussy cat is not going to help them, but as I said 3/4 people are still doing it, and not only in west these days, all over the world. This disease is well spread. Their hopes seems authentic for their foolishness until their hungry Chinese neighbor finds out that a nice meal is meowing at his door. Greats saints have said many times: you become what you associate with. Be aware of things. Don’t be a pussy. Why should we create a group? Why should we create intimacy with dogs and cats and not to our own sapiens?

I am writing...

Time flies. Yes, I have started this blog now with no purposes at all. All I do is write. I used to think that I was born to write but I was a kid then. Anyway, it is for my own satisfaction. Who knows it may serve some purpose tomorrow. It’s been couple of years that I was trying to write in English but because of school, mainly, I could not focus. I wrote few things, started writing on facebook but could not do it on a regular basis. Now that I am somewhat free, I have to come up with some other excuses. I kept making excuses.

English is not my first language. I have been little hesitant to write in English because I loved Nepali too much. I loved English equally but was doubtful if I could do justice. Now my whole idea of “language” has been changed. Language cannot be someone’s property and there is no trademark for it. I am not writing English paper anymore. So why worry about the grammars and punctuation? The problem a foreign guy faces when writing English is: he is too cautious of the mistakes that he is going to make. He is more concerned with the commas, colon, and semicolons than the real message. That was a problem for me as well. I wrote in Nepali and people liked it. I loved writing in Nepali simply because I did not care much about grammar rules, colons and semicolons. I created my own words. I made it easy. I believe even writings that is written in simple language can be the best literature ever. The problem with non English writer is simple- he tries to pick words that are never used in spoken English, tries to complicate the sentence by strange vocabulary that are not making any sense.

I was recently going through two books: Old Man and The Sea by Hemingway and All and Everything by Gurdjieff. Gurdjueff was so difficult guy to read, his one sentence could be ten pages long. By the time I could finish the last word, I forgot what he was trying to say in the beginning. Anyway, he was a great writer but not a lot is remembered about him, at least because of the language and the absurdity in his language. He was a very dangerous man. Hemingway wrote his Old Man and The Sea so easily, so indifferently that it became one of the best books ever written. The sentences are easy and flowing. He didn’t complicate too much although he exaggerated it a little bit. And of course, literature is a kind of exaggeration, which is artfully done.

I had lot of excuses not to write. But as is said: time has to come for everything. This is a big step. Lets see where it goes.

The Perfect One

He never was a “go-getter”. Things came to him and he enjoyed it. He enjoyed success and he enjoyed his failures. With no regrets whatsoever, he lived his life utterly unattached to the world. There was no pressure for him from inside. He did what he wanted to do at the moment. He was not a thinker.


But his family and society would not let him be himself. As he was growing up, they taught him how to be competitive. They taught him how to earn prestige and power. Completely brainwashed with his parents’ constant nagging, he started becoming aware of his enemies presence everywhere. He could not live in peace. There was constant fight of reasons and judgments in his head. Before doing everything, he would now think about all the aspects of its consequences. He would not speak from his hear but from his brain, after completely imagining all the possible effects it could bring. His every move became a chess-step with so many possibilities, with so much caution, yet devastating at times. He started imagining about incidents. He was no more innocent, he became a philosopher, a diplomat and a moral worldly human being.

Constantly living in such fear, he earned great prestige of becoming a good son, a brilliant student, a wise chap with respects for others. People liked him. The society called him-"the perfect one."

"GRANDPA"

With a complaint picked

Out of a pile of thousands,

And in dream filled eyes,

Creating an imaginary heaven,

I whispered to my Grandpa,

“Grandpa,

My eyes do not see anything precious,

My soul knows no peace

I still am living, where you left me

Not very differently than

So many years back,

When I used to exist hopelessly,

So futile in this earth,

Looking for same old, everyday nourishments of pleasures,

Yes, same as before,

I could not grow an inch.

I could not move on.



I tried to bottle up my sufferings

As if I was ignoring a small thorn under my boot

Alas!

Poor innocent time is penalized,

My pure energetic hour is murdered

A beautiful flower is faded away

Even before it could blossom



My sinful heart regrets each moment

When I think of you,

My aim is just a foregone devastation

In the ‘hide and seek’ of thoughts

Which are as complicated as the oceanic waves.

I tried to pluck the rose of this wonderful life,

But these thorns pricked me

Making my heart bleed

Gandpa! It really hurts,

Every second it burns.



Grandpa!

I have nothing here

I have no one to talk to.

The selfish moon could not lighten my heart,



The brilliant sun could not play his part.



Neither the youthful fantasies excite me

Nor any ambitions energize me.

My soul stays gloomy

Striving to find your soul

My consciousness is just so weary,

Thirsting to unite with the super soul

I am trying it hard to keep myself integrated

I am, in vain,

Trying to hypothesize the taste of undrunk ambrosia

I have, whatsoever, no alternatives.



Granpda,

You are ruling over billion stars,

You are enjoying the whole cosmos

You and I are different

I am a beggar, deserving nothing

Yet we had same blood some day,

Can you reason that way?

Can you, for our ever-lasting soul synchronism,

Send me some glittering stars, those unselfish, sinless saints?

I will keep my eyes fixed at the horizon…