Aama! Heartaches and Memories

My heart aches everytime I try to forget it. The image comes back more graphic. It haunts me; pinches me in my soul somewhere. Good memories gone forever, with such a tragedy, a bitter truth, an ending that does neither tells about the beginning and nor represent the sweetness of the story. A horror! An unexpected fact and a shameful ending, a painful reality that I have to live with the rest of my life… I can’t possibly rationalize nor defend nor accept the news. My rock is gone, my role model crashed and my motivation just shattered like piece of glass, which can never be fixed. Lots of memories just flow with these tears, and dissolves with it, an innocent soul of my grandmother. She was old, lived passed most of her friends, at 85, she was still without any major diseases. She lived a long life, and at 85 when people die, it does not hurt as much. It would hurt me of course but not to this extreme. It was unforeseen; it was even undreamt up, not even in a nightmare. It has shaken my faith in GOD. It asks me questions about the authority. It asks me lot of questions, for which, not only me but no one can answer.

New Year Resolution

Every New Year, we make resolutions and at the end of the year we find ourselves not sticking to it even once.  Life suffers in the business of the mundane things and these greater thoughts of resolutions and dreams keep sliding by. We postpone things and make new plans. Like the great “lizard story”, we only remember it on the New Year day. Then we fall into regrets and more dreaming about wishful “what if” scenarios.  Ravan was about to build a staircase that would connect heaven and earth but he kept postponing, and he said tomorrow, I will start. But tomorrow never came. His death came. And he has to transfer this great wisdom to his enemy while breathing his last breaths.

My life’s ironic fact is that I have OCD over things getting done. I want things done, as soon as I come to know I gotta do something, I do things all ahead of time, calculated, well thought out and planned. But the results do not follow the work. I end up last most of the time. I plant the fruit and never get to reap the fruit. Universe is kind of ironic.

With New Year comes, new joy and optimism and hope and Resolutions. I, however think that even a false hope is better than pessimistic self-pity, and regrets in life.

I have no resolution. I just play a little part in a big universe. Most of the things are beyond my control. Although I look like a player, I am just a puppet. Moreover, I won’t do anything different that is against my morals and ethics and values etc. The things I needed to do are well done, I just hope that somehow luck strikes me by mistake, once in life. I can only reconsider the situations, reevaluate my ethics and values, and do my best. At the end of the year, I just clear my soul and transfer all the blame to God. If things happens- God is great, if not God really didn’t want it for me. I have no regrets.

01/01/2013

Irving, Texas