Dashain

"Meet me at my apartment" he said on the phone and hung up.

It was time of utter depression. Nothing was going in his favor.  School was going rough. Parents were getting old and crazy, back home. His long time girl friend was in a brink of leaving him. So many "Nepalese Americans" were seeking a bride for their sons. "Who knows?" he thought- although she seems reluctant to marry now, she probably has greed of green card and what not. Her sole dream was to become a millionaire. Still somewhere in his heart, he consoled himself spiritually that she was never going to leave him. She was the only person, who he could share his misery, and cry. "She can feel my pain" he thought.

His apartment was dark. A florescent light in the kitchen was the only light. Sink was full of dirty dishes and when he turned on the light, a herd of roaches started jumping and running towards dark corners.  Smelly clothes were scattered everywhere. Even the bedroom smelt of poverty and depression. His roommates were not home yet. It was already ten.

He went to the shower before she arrived and knocked on the door.

"What is the plan?" she asked.

"There is no plan" he said. "There is too much to plan here. I can't wash their dirty dishes. Its late and  am tired. See how my apartment looks."

"Same here", she said, "my apartment is replica of this one. Roommates have gone to their boyfriends' home. I think they have party there. There are dirty dishes and noone is cleaning them. I am not their servant."

The empathy was always there. For many years, he had enjoyed those moments. He was satisfied within.

A long silence followed.

"Do you know how to prepare tika?" he asked.

"Yeah, she said hurriedly, "but for jamara, we can go to the Nepalese store and borrow some."

"Okay, I got an exam tomorrow. Let's do it quick."

They went to the Nepalese store.  That store always had jamara grown for Dashain every year.

A middle aged man was with his wife in there. The shopkeeper was talking on the phone very loudly. He looked at them dryly after he closed his cell phone. They bought some food and sweets. The man was rude. He looked bored and he smiled sarcastically when they asked for some Jamara. His wife was trying to hide her husband's rudeness.

"Babu happy dashain to you, here is some Jamara".

The shopkeeper stared at his wife but did not say anything. They left.

Driving back, he said -"See, how a woman has to harmonize a man. If it was not for her wife, noone would go to that store. He is so rude. He does not know about customer service. But because of that woman, he is surviving. He is nothing. Noone likes him. He is so anti-social and he makes wicked comment about other Nepalese living in USA."

"Hmm, may be... She agreed. "He looks depressed though, he sounded poignant and hostile to the person he was speaking with on the phone."

Another silent minute followed.

"By the way did you call home?" she asked.

"No, not really"

"Why?"

"It is very melancholic at home. They are still worrying about my sister. I feel sad for how they think about love."

"Why can't they accept? She is gone and if she is happy with the guy, why worry?"

"It is not easy. They are brain washed. Its their way of thinking. Love is not bigger than their caste and their social standing."

"Don't worry time changes and there is always hope. Hope is extraordinary. Things will change. Lets hope and pray."

He looked at her eyes. There was not enough light inside the car, still he could see the glow.  Her brown eyes were watery but firm.  He felt a breeze of strong current sweeping inside him, and slowly he pulled the car into a dark parking lot of a shopping complex.

"Why did you stop here?" she asked.

"Lets celebrate Dashain here" he said.

"But may be your roommates want to join at your apartment. We can share this food; there is plenty."

He disagreed "They never buy anything for me, why would I give them anything? Have they ever cleaned the kitchen?  Have they ever shared with me anything? Have they ever offered me any food they cook? Have they ever acted like cultured Nepalese who would feel ashamed to go to prostitutes instead of staying in home and celebrating on their biggest festival? Is there anything subtle about them, that I can admire and say- oh yeah brothers, lets share our greeting and well wishes? Is there a single day when they have agreed to sit down together and just have dinner?"

"But they call you brother and respect you, may be they want to put tika from you."

"You don't understand" he said. That is all political. It is just formality. They just do it because they are weak now and they need my help somehow. The day, they grow some thigh muscle, they will disappear. They have no respect, no compassion, and no sympathy. They are animals. ....Just idiots who think that I fall for their drama and keep helping them. "

"You are full of negative thoughts and hate, just like that shopkeeper." She shook her head and sighed.

He shouted at that point. "Why do you think I should have a high opinion of people who I consider shoe dirt, little cowards who are pretending to be my well-wishers, so jealous of me and waiting to stab me any minute?"

"Don't shout at me. They are your friends. You need them."

"I don't need anyone. I don't have any friends." He said firmly.

"What about Baikuntha?" She asked. Do you not consider him to be your friend?"

"Whooo... he is ashamed of his own name. What do I expect of him? He is already planning to stab my back."

"Biren?"

"He does not have time for me. He is ladies' man. Although not a stabber, he is indifferent. I don't like apathetic people."

"What about Milan, Santa, Sandip, Ram, Bimal, Krishna, Bikesh ...." she mentioned several other names.

"Bullshit... Everyone has a motive behind friendship. What kind of friendship are you talking about? When good things sway away, noone will be there. Everyone is running after something, either prestige, or money or green card or prostitutes. Everyone is a selfish piece of shit. I do not trust anyone. I am my own best friend."

"What about me?" she calmly asked.

A long sigh whistled. A long silence followed.

"You are the only one I can trust. When every time, things go out of control, I can come to you and cry. You called me crazy but you listen. You don't approve my opinion but you harmonize me. I am so dark and everyone is a stranger to me. I just know you. I am imperfect and yet you complete me with your company. It is the radiance of companionship that I look from you, nothing else. I just want to remain in your presence and feel safe."

He took her hand and kissed it.

Both looked at each other. He was tearful yet did not want to cry. She was flowing already.  Seeing her weep broke his heart.

"That uncle called again, she said, "...and sent pictures of his son."

Again silence followed.

"How does he look?"

"He is dark" she said and laughed.

"So...?"

'I told his father that I am not interested in getting married now. Come back after I finish school. Then he started taking to me about how I could get citizenship if I marry him soon. What a moron! I am not going to answer his calls now." she said.

He looked at her and gave a faint smile.

"You don't trust me, do you?" She asked.

He just smiled.

"Oh... you don't get it. It hurts when you do that. You smile at my details and why do you think I am here with you in the dark parking lot? What do I have to do to prove my innocence?"

"Oh no. I trust you..."

"All my actions are real and whatever I tell you comes from my heart. There is nothing to hide. To be honest you are also my only friend. Who do I talk to, if you were not here for me? I would be so lonely. There are so many hungry jackals looking at me and salivating. I hate Nepalese guys on how they look at lonely girl who is living far away from parents. I have noone but you. You are my only true companion who has not desired for anything except friendship from me."

"I love you" he said after the pause.

"I love you too."  She said.

Then they put tika and jamara and asked for blessing. He prayed and asked for blessing, "May you become a millionaire."

And she said "May you become what you desire."

Both then wished that their next Dashain would be celebrated in a happy setting. Dashain celebration in a foreign land is hard on itself but when there is noone to celebrate, it is harder.

It was time to part.

"I don't wish to go to my apartment. Those bitches make my life miserable. I feel like I am living in hell. So you don't worry, you are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I am with you. Trust me I will always be with you." she said.

She wanted to stay in that dark parking lot for a while but it was already late, and he also needed to study. He dropped her and went back to his apartment.  It was midnight and his roomies were still not in. He went to his room. He wanted to study but could not stop thinking about her.

"I really trust her. She is my only friend. And no matter what, she has always been with me.  She has helped in my darkest hours. She is my soul mate. Even a little unintended suspicion is a sin. She can't lie. She is an angel. "He said to himself.

Next day, after taking his exam, he came home. He had some new energy flowing. A new hope had germinated in his soul. He was very blissful. He thanked God for everything he had gotten in his life.

He then logged into facebook to kill some time. And alas, he did see something that disturbed his heart. In one of their common friend's profile, there was an album named Dashain, dated the previous day, and timed around midnight. And there she was tagged in pictures of her in many poses and different clothes with Tika and Jamara, pictures of her and her roomies making faces, kissing each other, pictures of them snatching chicken thighs, pictures of them showering with champagne, drinking beers, and pictures of them celebrating Dashain in their way. And it looked like they were very proud and happy about it.

A cruel chill swept his brain. He went to shower and wept bitterly. What for, he did not know.

20th May 20, 2011

Irving, Texas