DOKO, Old People, and Purpose of Life

One of my elderly coworkers was having boiled soybeans for lunch. When she offered me some, I had a moment of a DejaVu, a quick flash back. Few months back, I was having boiled soybeans for snacks with my grandmother. And my grandmother was so happy to peel the cover for me as she knew I hate peeling skins and covers of fruits like orange’s skin. It annoys me. I would only eat an orange if someone prepares if for me.  Anyway, as she was enjoying doing that ‘motherly’ thing, she was also making me blush with all these questions about my marriage and her eagerness and expectation to see my children etc. I enjoyed her company. Old people are awesome. I have lived with many old people. I have been close to many old people. I liked to study their behaviors, habits and psychology.  I learned a great deal from them too

After my grandmother’s passing away, I wonder sometime about God’s purpose. People, especially religious people tried to ponder about the purpose of life and they dwell on sanctity, sacredness and meaning of life. That is most absurd and abstract concept. There is no ‘PURPOSE’. Not all things have purpose. Not all things that happened are planned by God either. ‘Purpose’ is only that what we name/give to life. We understand something and claim to know things that we don’t understand and we call it meaning and purpose of life. To sum up these confusing statements, I can say-Life is to live and die, without thinking about purposes and meaning. Certainly, purpose of life is not to die. Purpose of life is Life itself. And Life means- guaranteed death. One that has life has to die. When old age and death are mentioned, even Buddha starts to have second thoughts about his beautiful wife, palace and wealth.   The third thing that is left out is sickness. If all three are mixed and pondered on, life seems depressing, purposeless and a vicious circle of darkness, ignorance and death. He figured it out, but simple people like us simply can’t rise from our costumed brains and we never get out of ditches we dug and fell therein. All religions are ‘that’.

Recently I lost my grandmother, of which I am still in denial. The time of death can so sudden and cause could be uncertain. And in the midst of the death of my grandmother, I look around, see, and get amazed that people do not realize that they have to die one day. Life’s purpose is not to find purpose of life, nor is death a straight answer to the question of- “what is purpose of life”. However, there are more amusement/distractions (so I call it here, in lack of my vocabulary) in life that we are occupied by thoughts of something else that is outside of the life. Nobody ever, in conscious simple state of mind realize that we have to die one day for sure. I used to go to funerals back home because at least one guy had to represent from a house in a funeral. That day all the neighbors(the funeral attendees) would suddenly be wise and spiritual. The quietness, the purity and innocence of the human souls seemed to be recovered in them. To be around them, and to listen to them talk is like listening to Jesuss, Buddhas and Krishnas having conversation. They sound wise, they promise not to beat their wife again, they are determined to not drink wine, they would give their word to God in prayer not to quarrel for land with their brothers etc. But as soon as they return home from funeral, they forget everything. They start in the vicious cycle of greed, jealousy, lies, perversion, and other ‘sinful’ things.

Forgetting who we originally were, and forgetting what we will one day become, is the greatest tragedy of human nature. I am reminded of a famous folk-tale of an old sick and dying couple. In Nepal probably everyone must have heard it someway or other. My grandfather told me this story ten thousand times. And every time, I have loved it and listened it without being bored. This folk tale is very simple, and this has probably happened many times in human history, not only in Nepal but everywhere in the world, in every ages and every eras.  Before I try to rewrite that great story- I want to preface it…somewhat.

My grandparents are both dead now. I lived with my grandparents. We took care of them until they died, without feeling burdened. I loved them, perhaps more than my own parents. Grandparents, most of the time, are nicer than parents, but sometime there are exception. Sometimes parents can be abusers, crazy, selfish too etc. Sometime they do not even  qualify to be parents because of their nature abusive, alcoholic, crazy, perverted….But, anyway, the point here is leaving the exceptions and ‘unqualified’(as I like to call them), they are good people, well-wishers, selfless lovers and truly caring people. Now I have many friends that disagree. I had a very religious friend, and in one general conversation, he really spoke against his old, dying grandparents. He wished them- death. And again this guy was a religious guy of a very ‘strong’ religion. It is even sin to talk about helpless, old people like that in that religion. Although religiously I didn’t have problem with his statement, I was kind of hurt when he said- ‘they are not very productive and burden to my parents, uncles, they consume money for medication, they nag and complain all the time, they should die…” or something similar. Few weeks ago, Japanese finance minister publicly said- ‘Old people! Please die gracefully and do not be burden’, and his prime minister agreed and said – “Even when I am old, I will die gracefully, and do not want to be unproductive’. Japanese culture is little weird, in the sense that sometime, they respect and expect ‘SUICIDES’ to be graceful, Godly and religious. Western culture is different in another way. They find it funny, to live with parents. When parents get old and get disable to much, they take parents to nursing homes, hospice, assisted living, etc and their aged parents do not seem to worried or hurt much either of their actions. Perhaps they kicked the kids out when they were immature, 18 years old, trying to experiment their sexuality and what not….just saying.  One has to keep in mind that, it is culturally biased opinion. The life-style, culture, media, religion and other brainwashing factors might have played role here. Even though someone may want to keep their parents at home and care, they would not be able to. They have jobs, they have children, they need privacy, their wives hate there in-laws…whatever the reason may be. I can’t simply blame one party. Sometimes, because of old age, disability, helplessness, and in pain, old people too may think they are burden to their children. But human nature most of the time,  enjoys, involves and find purpose and meaning of life in “LIVING” more and “Creating” more like him. They seldom want to perish and die, if they are not ill or in ill state of mind. And of course! There are circumstances where people have to make choices.

‘Euthanasia’ is a subject of a big debate nowadays. It is little touchy too. When do we decide its better to euthanize someone? Wether or not to keep people in life support even they are ‘brain-dead’? ‘Can one commit suicide if pain, agony is too much to bear and there is no cure left? Is it a sin to help kill a suffering old guy? Is it okay if a pastor says so? What would Jesus do? Etc.  Other day, I was watching a movie. An old guy, lives near a desert very far away from town. His son used to visit there often and provided him grocery and meds. But the old man is sick, blind, weak and hungry. His son had cancer in town and died. The old man can’t do much at this point. He listen to Spanish radio just to amuse himself, even though, he does not understand it. He asks the stranger passing by “Can you please shoot me? for I can’t kill myself because that offends God.”  The stranger says –“ I can’t either because if I shoot you, then I will offend God.”  Is it just destiny? God’s plan?

Now the folk story: I heard it from my grandfather. I want my brothers to know this. I want my uncles to know this. I want the coming generation to know this. As a moral story, perhaps its different now than my grandfather’s time and the time of my children will be different too. And the way they look at this story won’t be the same. Nevertheless, it’s a great story of profound meaning.

In a village, an old couple was sick and dying.  The son, who lived with them, was tired waiting for them to die. He cared for them for a while. He was tired, exhausted, annoyed.  His wife was bitching all the time because she had to take care of two old people, nearly blind and deaf, demanding, dirty and time consuming. She had to change them, clean them, give medicines and feed them. Her plans were ruined. Son was tired too, he couldn’t focus on his works. He was worried all the time. He wished they would die, but it was not happening. If they died, he would inherit all the property of his parents. He already spent a lot for their medication and care. His wife was nagging and their relation was degrading. After a long dilemma, discussion and weighing of options, the husband and wife decided that it was better and easier for them to get rid of these two old people. They go for ‘traditional route’.  The son told his parents –‘we are taking you guys to pilgrimage’. Almost blind and deaf, old couple had no say or opinion. They agreed.  Therefore, the son and his wife built a bamboo ‘DOKO’, a traditional basket or a ‘stretcher equivalent box’ to carry them up the mountain and to the cliff. The son planned to throw both of them from the cliff. When they were just about to throw the old couple, their son, the old couple’s only grandson, probably five or so, who was left out at home felt suspicious and happened to follow them, reached there. He loved his grandparents. He asked his father and mother-‘father and mother! what are you doing to my grandparents?’ They were kind of hesitant but then they told him the truth.

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‘Grandpa and Grandma are too old and sick, so we are going to throw them from this cliff in this ‘DOKO’.  

The little grandson got confused and puzzled. He pondered for a while, thinks deeply. And finally after a sigh followed by a long silence, he said -‘OKAY!’

The parents were visibly relieved. They now did “HOSTE…HAISEY…HOSTEY….HAISEY’, trying to pick up the ‘DOKO’ and throw it off the cliff. The grandson interrupts- Wait!

Father asked ‘why?’

The grandson replies- ‘Please save the DOKO, when you guys get old and sick, I will need it to throw you from here.’

People must have heard this story million times, but they forget. I have few examples in my family. They forget that they will also one day get old. I wish these family members understand. Value of life is incomparable. It is worth more than all the treasure of the world. Old people were young once. They have lived a whole life. They raised kids. They suffered, struggled, and compromised their own happiness for their children. They survived the coarse harshness, life presented them. They were kids once. They have already seen and experienced things that we do not even know. They are motivation, inspiration and purposes. Just their bodies are old, souls never get old.  They should have utter respect and they should be given every chance to live a dignified life. I wish my relatives knew that they are going to get old and suffer the same consequences. Why lie? Why fight with brother for 10 feet of a land? Why antagonize your own mother because of 2 copper pots? Why jealous of brothers? Why plot against nephews and nieces? Why bear false witness? Why greed for few thousand rupees? Why be bitter at all? Why be envious of your own blood kin? I wish my uncles read the story “How Much Land Does a Man Need?’ by Tolstoy. Why do they forget the ‘DOKO’ story? May be stretchers and ambulances already replaced the use of ‘DOKO’(its uses are limited now), but the moral of the story remains the same.

My grandmother recently passed away, in a sudden and mysterious way. My parents are taking care of another aunt who has Alzheimer’s. She looks great one day, and other days, she forgets herself. Someone just have to literally sit with her every second. She could be trying to catch fire someday, very suicidal, and goes psychotic any time, not because she chose it. She was not like this always. Another grandmother is dying of cancer. More than a month has passed since she has not eaten, and several days now she has not even drank a drop of water. The pain and suffering is intolerable, and medically, all the options are exhausted.  My uncles are just weeping and waiting for her last breaths, and although they want her suffering to end, they perhaps can’t conceive of losing her in “that” way. How can someone send these old people to die in nursing homes, assisted living and hospice? Just to minimize the burden?  But again, in western countries like USA, what should people do? They do not live in a compound family, there are only few members in a single family, relatives live very far, women and children work or go to school, employers do not approve enough off days to take care of the sick people, they can’t quit jobs because their whole life can be messed up etc,. Really it is complex. Euthanasia, Wills, Assisted Suicides, responsibility as a creation of God, so called sanctity of life can be all argued and debated, but each circumstance are different. And one set of standard solution may not be suitable to all the cases. Each life is unique, and death too. I have no concrete/confident answer to my own question, whatsoever. I cannot generalize on old people, their caring and how to treat them. My favorite story of ‘DOKO’ is my guidelines, and I love ‘em old folks. I sure miss my grandfather and I enjoyed my companionship of my grandmother. Lucky are those who truly have chance to spend time with grandparents. Because of old people, our whole personality and attitude towards life may forever change…in a good way of course.  Love old and sick people more! One of these days you will get old and sick too!  

2-15-2-13

Irving, Texas