Child Is The Father Of A Man

The problem with fatherhood is most fathers don't know what to expect until before becoming one. And father-son relation is a very difficult one. Many a people compare God and Man relation as that of father- son relation. Although foolish, it can be considered a true statement, at least for first few years in a son's life. A son will however have to grow in different situations, have to fight different battles, have to go through different struggles, have to live different lives in different times. This way, sooner or later, son has to disagree with his father, his horizon being widen he has to rebut his father in future, he no longer considers his father as the most wisest, strongest, most lovable, know all, God-like saint but a old timer with rotten philosophy, useless sentiments, unfathomably intruding nature, and of all childish stubbornness.

 Ivan Turgenev  thinks in his Novel that son(s) has to be 'Nihilist' to disagree with his father(s). It is just an example. No one is aloof of this. There is no easy way out. They cannot duel out of it in gunfight, although there will be a point in future where they have to do it. Williams Wordsworth awestruck by rainbow, remembers his childhood and then suddenly says child is the father of the man.  It took me forever to find out what he meant.

When I think of my childhood, I remember my father and his father. I saw my father's relation with his father and my own relationship with my father and his father were strangely similar. My grandfather still wanting to be the head of household deep inside, would consider it very disrespectful that when my father bring home his salary, every end of the month, he expected my father to offer his salary to him to keep in safe, and he would want to say every time " Now I can barely move from bed, I can't do household things so just keep it and use it, I know it is getting  tighter for you." I remember every pay day, my father day comes to him and at least say- "Ba I got my salary today." And my grandfather  would just smile in contentment. I remember  my father coming from his office and before getting inside his room to change, he would peek through curtain into Granpa's room just to see him rest there peacefully or reading or writing something sitting in his bed.  After super, all family members come to grandfather's room and talk. Nothing special just about changing times... I then started getting the habit of peeking into my grandfather's room as soon as I come back from school, as if I was checking that some God is hiding in that room and he no longer will be there one day. I started getting in his bedside supposedly to massage his feet, but was more interested in listening to their conversations.

I listened to them discussing about inheritance, marriages of daughters , sons or relatives.  I admired them for their sacrifices for each other and regardless of their changing philosophy, caring and treating each other  as if they were each other's father.  I saw my father and his brother  fearing from grandfather, and one day fighting with him for their land and inheritance. I saw them crying together and laughing together on same jokes about villagers. I lived the times when both boasted of their own but in greater volume,  accredited, actually highly appreciated each other's roles in their lives. When grandfather departed, I saw my father weep bitterly. Although my father almost never had the charm, charisma, influence and prestige my grandfather earned, my grandfather had already yielded to changing time and growing burdens and struggle of my father. My grandpa always said to me- I am over the hill now, just a spectator, I am an old leaf in a tree, and you are a new leaf. I will fall down to ground and you will flourish. You will have your difficulties with your father, but remember one thing father is God, you will always have to love him regardless. Although you disagree, you will find this never changing obligatory duty, a cycle of life everlasting in every generations. Take care of him."

Although not OUR father's day, the ads of discounted TV and computers reminded me of my father. And although we live and think in different dimension and have major disagreement in philosophy of life, and although we yield to each other by keeping  remote and indifferences and avoiding much confrontation not because it is convenient but father-son love is very complex in changing times of the every going life-cycle of this world.  As a first child, I saw my father terrified, horrified, anxious about raising me up carefully. I saw him worried for nothing and at many times I got annoyed by his over cautious nature in my raising. I was constantly supervised, always guided, always had to listen to long prep speeches, had to be on top of everything. If I stay silent when some visitors would come to my house, he would fear that I was anti-social;  and if I talk to them, he would think I disrespected them with my unpretentious nature. I never got into fights although I was a rebel of educational system, teachers behavior, stupid prayers in school, so called drills in school assembly, critical of priests, gangsters, thugs, bullies and punks in the town.  Silence, patience and indifference was my arm. It worked most of the time but when I had to fight, I did.  And one time when I beat their injustice out of some local punks gangsters, for verbally abusing and teasing  my sisters, they decided to kill me. When my father heard the threat on phone, he called cops, army officers, gang members, local political leaders for my defense. He got too worried, frightened. He had never before taken my side. If I get into fight not only I would get beat in school, I would get good scolding at home too. He was always so over cautious and although I thought he was ineffective in growing times, I loved him for his deep love for me.

Indus valley civilization is very strange. Father never says to his son- 'I love you ' everyday, but in his hearts he weeps for his son every second. Now, being away from home for 7 years or more and no longer getting threats of death by gangsters and punks, I remember his well wishes in sending me here, in my own life I see how childhood shape a man. I would probably have been killed or injured badly by Maoist terrorists or some thugs and gangsters, or would have been in jail for killing someone, who knows. I understand now why Child is really a father of a man.